Relationships: Not My Area of Expertise

I truly hope you're not clicking on this blog post hoping that I'm giving priceless tips for a successful romance.  Because I'm not.  Honestly you really don't want my tips because anyone will tell you that my idea of romance looks something like a car ride to walmart to buy lightbulbs.  Yup.  I've got no game.  But enough about me.

What's on my mind is something more like what relationships are built upon, or rather the point at which they cross that line between a surface relationship and a solid, true relationship.  What would your guess be?  Is it after a certain period of time?  Is it sharing a bunch of experiences together?  Is it being likeminded and like-goaled?  (I'm fully aware that isn't a word)

Well.  I think I have some insight here.  I think I know, or rather I may have figured at least a little of it out.  And to top it off, if it's true, then I may just know how to A. improve some of the relationships I'm already in.. and B. try to build some new relationships that are better grounded.

It all started when I was reading Trina's blog post about her Facebook fast in which she tells a few of the majorly adventageous reasons her fast was successful.  I found myself caught up in thought over her idea that Facebook presents some poor quality communication.  It wasn't that I was in disagreement, but I still struggled with the "why" behind it, and I knew that my reasons for why it was true weren't the same as her reasons.  (She cites lack of voice tone, facial expression, etc. among others which is entirely true also.)

At first I thought, "Traci you're just being rebellious because of your personal love of the written word."  And I tried to drop it.  And it just didn't drop.  So I found myself thinking about it some more.  So I started praying about it.  And thinking of some of the spectacular friendships that I've managed to forge with a handful of lovely ladies first over an online community I'm a part of.. and now maintain via Facebook.  And admittedly I'm not the one that they call to come over and help them paint their living room on a whim since we're states apart, but I could very well be the one they'd email or send a message to when their heart is broken or they're having a rough time.



So why is it that I can boldly declare some of these online relationships more real than some relationships that I've made in real life?

The answer?  (You're waiting, breathless with anticipation aren't you?)

It's vulnerability.  That's what exists with these women.  They know me, they know things about me that I've shared with barely anyone else.  They've heard my fears and I've heard theirs.  I know what was on their hearts when their husband cheated, or their son married the girl they wouldn't have chosen, or when they were forced to face their fears and re-enter the workforce after years of being at home, or their best friend died.  I've shed heartfelt tears for these women.  I know that they have done the same for me.  And I know that when we've lost one of our own we've cried together. 

I've sat at my cold, non-human computer screen and busted into tears reading the news that a second one of these friends has passed.  I've felt that loss in such a real, heart aching way that it's hard for me to believe that I never had the chance to meet the woman.  And when my daughter wears that sweater now I still feel the loss.  I can remember notes that she wrote me that encouraged me in ways that nobody else could have.

And what's the reason that nobody else could have?  Because I had been VULNERABLE with her, in ways that I hadn't with others.  My guard was dropped; my walls were crumbled.  I wasn't staying on the surface, very much the opposite actually.  I know why.  It wasn't on purpose, or because it's healthy and truthful.  It's because it's anonymous.  Even if she judges me or gossips about me who is she going to tell?  It's fabulous really, it's real friendship without the fears of rejection.

But the thing is, the really sad thing, is that it proves how unreal most of my other "real life" relationships are.  And it showed me exactly why.  There is a lack of vulnerability.

So I guess here is where I'm convicted.  I need to be more real.  I need to be more vulnerable.  I'm not saying I need to spend every waking facebook post whining about my latest papercut or running down my husband because he doesn't notice my haircut. *disclaimer: he actually did notice my haircut*  It means that I need to make an effort to post more than just the shiny "God gave me a perfect life" posts.  Because it's inaccurate and it's the F word.  No, not THAT F word.  Jeesh people.  I'm talking about Fake.  I'm sure that everyone wants to see me "like" something or hear about how I made the best cookies that day, or my kids did the cutest thing.  But what if I actually take the chance to share something a little more human, or better yet chat at them and let them know that my heart is aching over something similar to what they're walking through?  Let's face it, life's not all rainbows and butterflies.



This isn't just about Facebook either.  It's real life.  I need to share more than the surface stuff.  I need to ask for prayer when I need it.  I need to go to someone when I'm having a hard time dealing with something.  I have friends who have probably dealt with that something already and who could encourage me.  And our relationship could majorly grow from me being real enough to admit that I have issues.  Or that I'm hurting.  Or that I'm insane. 

Well, they probably already know that.

I'm not an image oriented person.. but I have struggles with being too private.  And I'm comfortable with being private.  But sometimes privacy creates walls that not only hold everything in place, but also prevent growth.

On the flip side of all this, what could come of me being more real?  Well, yes there is a chance that the receiving party could judge me, could form less than optimal opinions of me, or could break my trust.  But then again it could prove fruitful, in that she could all of a sudden feel at ease herself to become more open.  And low and behold our friendship could move to the next level. 

And then the best part?  Think about the most awesome relationship I can have (sorry Michael, this one's not about you) and that's the one with Jesus Christ.  If I'm not vulnerable with God, and I try to hold up my walls where will that lead?  The idea is senseless because He of all people knows everything already, but let's just say I refuse to share my heart with Him willingly.  Let's say I keep a little moat around the castle where I keep the bigger, scarier fears and dreams.  Do you know what that means?  It means that I have not truly surrendered my heart or myself to Christ.  Scary thought isn't it?  If we aren't broken then how can He put us back together with the binding glue of his grace?  I have to quote Hebrews 2:16-18 here. 

For indeed He does not give aid to angels, but He does give aid to the seed of Abraham.  Therefore, in all things He had to be made like His brethren, that He might be a merciful and faithful High Priest in things pertaining to God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people.  For in that He Himself has suffered, being tempted, He is able to aid those who are tempted.

He wasn't here to help the angels.  He wasn't sent to save the perfect, the strong.  He was sent to save the broken, the weak, the helpless... should I be too proud to stand, or better yet fall to my knees and cry out the truth so that I can be blessed enough to fully receive his grace?  It would mean rejecting what would be the best relationship I could ever be a part of.

So here's to being vulnerable.  Here's to letting my guard down.  And here's to being real everywhere.  On Facebook.  At the grocery store.  In the living room.  At church.  In mourning.  In my happiest of moments.  In the sunshine.  On the rainy days.  On my darkest days.  Because as Trina has pointed out, my time is too valuable to waste on bad quality facebook relationships... and it definitely is too valuable to waste on bad quality relationships in real life.

To read my own thoughts on unwanted facebook side effects read about My Other Relationship.