Things I've discovered... about me.

This season of life that I'm in doesn't allow for much activity.  Strike that.  It doesn't allow for much that requires two hands, which includes blogging.  It does however allow for plenty of time for reflection.  Because when one is feeding a baby one has plenty of time for reflection.  And this post is simply a list of things I've discovered over the last few months.

I have an incredible love for my baby.  Caleb Jack and I share a connection.  I know that may seem obvious since he's my child and I always love my children.  But there's something... unique about how God has worked in our relationship.  Everything that we've been through together, the challenging way that he entered the world, may have served to bring us closer.  Or maybe it made me more grateful for the tiny life that was entrusted to me.  Maybe it's just because he's so darn cute.  He brings me such joy.  But I'm a different mother than I was before he was born.

Which brings me to the next item on my list:  Parents need to enjoy their kids.  Sounds like a no brainer right?  Wrong.  I know that it's not a no brainer because I had a brain for my first five years of motherhood, yet I still didn't figure it out.  I guess I thought people had kids and parenthood itself was an awesome enjoyable experience. I guess I thought that the good stuff was just supposed to happen.  But it's not that simple.  Parents have to purposefully look for things to enjoy.  If they don't then they'll miss it.  All of it.  So every little giggle will be chalked up to noise instead of an opportunity to giggle themselves.  Every time their kids come up with some crazy fun scheme they'll see it as a distraction to their schedule instead of a chance to make a memory. Oh heck, let's just drop the third person and go right to the "me" of the matter.

I need to enjoy my kids.  It wasn't really until Caleb that I realized this.  I would have told you that I was doing smashingly before I had the opportunity to spend so much solitary time with him.  I started appreciating the snuggling.  I started enjoying the gurgles.  Then the smiles came.  And they were amazing.  And I started to realize that I'd been... busy before.  I'd thought the smiles were cute.  But I hadn't stared at them in wonder every chance I had.  I hadn't taken every opportunity to smile back at that smiling baby, to delight in those smiles the way the baby delighted in smiling at me. 

Which brings me to the next change.  I am seeing things clearer.  This may sound extreme but something has changed within me.  I think that God has worked me over, and all of a sudden I notice things I haven't noticed before, things that my kids are doing and saying... friendships that have been neglected... yada yada yada.  Maybe it's because I was so self absorbed during the pregnancy and birth that when it was all over the haze sort of cleared.  On top of that I feel like my emotions are ridiculously stronger.  But maybe that's just because I'm getting older.  And it seems that as of late some of the loose ends of life seem to be easily tied together.  In other words, I feel like I've been able to see the wider picture, see how God is working on a grander scheme rather than just wonder at specific happenings.

I need to be thrilled that my kids are kids.  Confused by that statement?  I figured out that I spend too much time frustrated by Aidan and Vivi not taking things seriously, not rushing to put their boots on before church, not walking steadily and straight at the grocery store, playing with their food, not being quiet... you get the picture.  In reality, I want them to do all this stuff.  I want them to be silly.  I want them to be kids.  Because the minute they stop having fun, it means that the seriousness of life has occurred to them. 

Right now they don't know true pain.  And I praise God for it.  They've never experienced real sorrow or grief.  They are physically healthy.  They do not live in fear.  They've never been betrayed or abandoned.  They have a safe home and food to eat.  Nobody has ever tried to hurt them. 

They are innocent.  And I would like to try to remember that and be grateful for it all those times when I tell them to SSHHHHH!!!  Every time I get frustrated because Aidan is singing a song into his toothbrush like a microphone instead of promptly brushing his teeth I'll remember that I really do want him to be a child.  Each time Vivi covers the living room floor with every blanket she can find right before company comes I'll remember how sweet it is that she thinks everyone would enjoy a picnic on the floor with her.  Or at least I'll try.

And on a final note:  I'm going to try to waste less time.  There are a lot of ways to waste time.  And I want to do less of all of them.  Every time I argue with someone over something irrelevant I'm wasting time.  Every time I am silent rather than offer an encouraging word I'm wasting time.  Each hour that I spend during the day being negative or grumpy is wasted.  I'm going to clean when I need to, but I'm not going to ever pretend that cleaning is more important than the people I love.  I'm going to teach my kids but I'm going to take every opportunity to have fun with them as well. I want to kiss my husband more.  Maybe even in front of other people.  (those of you who know me are gasping right now because that's not my personality at all.)  I'm going to tell people that I love them.  I want to spend hours in conversation with them. 

There are a million things that take up my time.  I don't want the end of my life to arrive and for me to think that there were many many times where I had simply wasted moments that could have been invested in something worthwhile.  In the people I love.  In the Saviour who loves me. 

So these are just of the few of the things I've pondered lately.  Random.  And a little bit "New-Years-Resolutionish"  But hey, just remember that I have a 3 children under the age of six.  My mind isn't supposed to always make sense.