Where to begin?

It's 2010 and I haven't blogged since before Christmas. Hard to believe? Not really.

If you'll notice the title of my blog isn't "Daily Rants, Raves and Praise" and it isn't even "Weekly Rants Raves and Praise". It's Occasional for a reason. Because I blog occasionally. Meh. I have to learn to embrace the occasionally part and not feel so obligated to update. Maybe then I would feel less stress over HOW to update.

My Christmas season was entirely blessed. It truly was a great time and I was able to finish every single gift that I made for people, which is an odd happening in itself. Over the next week or so I'll post some pictures from Christmas because I do have some great ones.

New Years was just perfect also. We stay home on New Year's Eve. It's a tradition of our little family to play games, eat a buffet of snacks and watch the ball drop. Every year there are offers and invites that we decline for New Year's eve. I know that some may find our choice boring but I will tell you that I've never once regretted the evening spent with my husband and now my kids at home.

After the turn into 2010 there have been happenings that certainly could have been blogged about, but they were overshadowed by other less pleasant happenings.

Cancer is an ugly and painful way to die and to lose someone who is part of your daily life and routine in that fashion is just something that can consume your attention. I have a funeral to attend this week for a person who I feel like I've been mourning the loss of for over a year now. Diana was an awesome lady. She was smart, she had a great sense of humor and she was one of the most caring people that I've ever met.

I remember when I was first hired she would hear my stomach rumbling in the late morning and she would just quietly get up and go in to her house to make me a breakfast sandwich. I had never had a boss that was so perceptive or thoughtful. She would come back from her day of banking and errands with an iced coffee in her hand for me. I randomly complained about my ear aching one day and she in a flash had retrieved ear drops for me and was insisting that I take the bottle home.

It wasn't just me that she was generous to. She was a servant at heart to all she knew. I watched her rush through her work one morning so that she could drive to the mall in the afternoon to buy a special pair of socks for her grandson. She wanted him to have them by the end of the school day for his soccer game. She made lunch for her husband every single day of her healthy life, not eating lunch herself until he was sitting at the table with her. If he was out on the road she would call him to ask if he had remembered to stop somewhere for lunch.

There was a day just before Christmas when I took her five year old grandson inside to see her. We all knew the end was near at this point so it had become habit to check in on her periodically. Her eyes lit up when she saw us and she dragged herself up off the couch to go get a bag of chips for him. She wasn't strong enough to open them so I did it for her. In the meantime she took off towards the stairs with her walker and somehow managed to go upstairs and get a gift for me. I know that she hadn't gone up or down those stairs by herself in weeks, but she wanted to give me that gift.

As I said, cancer is an awful thing. I hated having to watch its progression, we all did. But I can say that in knowing Diana I saw a person who only ever saw what she could do for others. And in watching her die I saw a person who under the utmost pain and suffering still desired to serve. It was a blessing to have known her.

I've been chatting with friends lately and I know that some would say that a Christian should have a joyful heart, should be able to lay down her burdens and be in peace. I know that in some aspect that's true. But mourning is not the same as a burden that one should not be attempting to carry. Mourning is real. The bible speaks on it. Mourning is an emotional expression of loss. Abraham mourns for Sarah. The Egyptians mourned for Jacob. David mourns for Saul and Jonathan. There are countless more examples. So yes, I am ok with mourning, mostly because even though we want to heal, we are not searching for joy in the form of an earthly expression. There is no teaching in the bible that says to laugh in reaction to loss. Joy can come in comfort. Joy can come in memories. Joy can come in peace. But it can come along with tears.

Mourning itself is healthy, and for some takes longer than others. Comfort can be found for those who mourn, through our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ for those who seek Him. It's just as important to recognize that comfort doesn't necessarily mean rejoicing. Matthew 5:4 reads "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall receive comfort." It doesn't say that they will be outwardly joyous and happy-go-lucky and that everything will be picture perfect. It says "Comfort". The circumstances that you mourn over will not disappear but you will be carried through them, and your heart will find comfort in Him.

For some comfort might look like a bubbly happy-go-lucky person. For me it doesn't right now. But that doesn't mean that I'm not comforted. Comfort may look a little somber in my situation, but I am comforted. I have the peace that he has given me. I still mourn but I am being carried through this, and I do find joy in knowing that I am blessed even in times of mourning.